Being A Slut: For Trans MLM

Blog post from an anonymous ask about MLM cruising culture as trans men.

This is just posting over from my Tumblr, as I thought it’d be relevant to my Medium audience!

Anonymous asked: Possibly an odd question, but……do you have advice on how to be a slut? I’m recently out as a gay trans man, in my 30’s, only ever been with straight cisgender men, and I have no idea where to start. Being on testosterone has helped with the dysphoria, but I can’t seem to let go of old habits from when I was a girl having sex with guys. You can ignore this if you don’t feel comfortable answering, I just thought given the nature of your blog you might have some really good insights

It’s not an odd question at all, Anon — I think that for a lot of trans MLM and other people who were raised as or spent a long time being perceived as women transitioning to MLM spaces, it can be a really strange feeling because like… The attitudes to sex and pleasure are just so completely different.

In the West, the culture around sexual and dating life for women who have sex with men is obviously heavily influenced by patriarchal sexual objectification of women, and like…

I do want to write a bit more about this at some point, but straight hook-up and casual dating apps like Tinder and Hinge and so on came after Grindr, and while through the 00s and the 10s there’s been a sense of sexual liberation for women who have sex with men, like… Many men still think of women as prizes to be won or status symbols and extensions of their reputation; many people as a rule still think of women as sexually disposable and easily exchangeable, and more than that, they think that women are permanently marked or have their value reduced by the amount of sex or sexual partners they have.

While there has been more discussion and awareness of consent within broader society, ultimately we still live in a patriarchal rape culture that positions men as sexual aggressors and women as receivers of sexual aggression, and ultimately like —

There’s the obvious safety concerns to be taken into account, the understanding that women undertake a lot of risk of sexual violence in their pursuit of casual dating and hook-ups specifically because of the way that women are viewed and treated, and obviously with everything I’ve just said, none of it prioritises women’s pleasure or even takes it into account unless it’s the performance of pleasure for the sake of male viewers’ titillation and satisfaction.

How can you meaningfully communicate about consent and pleasure, as someone perceived as a cis woman, with a cisgender man who thinks of you as sub-human, or as a prize or achievement to be won? How can you talk about what feels good and what you want from sex when your pleasure is viewed and talked about not only as an afterthought, but as something that’s inherently less important than the pleasure of the men you have sex with?

How can you talk about sex and desire at all, when the culture you live in says in many ways, implicit and explicit, that you are not capable of such things, and shouldn’t be? When it claims that women are sexually desirable, but men are not sexually desirable at all, and are merely beasts to be withstood and endured? When sex itself is something you’re meant to be on the “receiving end” of, with your pleasure a side consideration if you’re very lucky, and not a mutual experience you share with another person?

Cis women who have sex with men have all that to consider, and as trans men (or other trans people), we’re also grappling with our dysphoria, our own feelings about our bodies and sex and desire, our relationships to other men, and particularly to the culture that’s in MLM spaces.

I have two guides below — one is about vulvar and vaginal stimulation which is intended for masturbation and self-exploration, but is also good to explore with partners. I think one of the most powerful things we can have in our arsenals is understanding of our own body and our own likes and desires, and hopefully this can be a good starting place for that!

The second is a basic guide to using Grindr as a trans man (it should be usable for nonbinary and other trans ppl), and it also discusses some of the specifics in MLM cruising culture in passing.

• Ringing The Devil’s Doorbell: A Light-Hearted, Practical Guide — Let’s talk sex! Vulvar and vaginal stimulation for fun, pleasure, and profit. On Medium.
• Looking For 🍑🍆💦: A Beginner’s Guide to Grindr for Trans Men — Approaching Grindr and M/M cruising culture as a trans man. On Patreon / / On Medium.

Feel free to mention any specific bad habits you’re having trouble with in follow-up asks, because I’m obviously not you and don’t know your personal experiences.

I will say that like… If you do feel you have old habits that are things like not communicating your needs and desires or going silent, faking orgasms, going still and letting someone else “do” sex with you, etc, like.

The use of the phrase “habit” here troubles me a bit, you know? I feel like “old habit” might mean “bad habit” and like…

Cisgender women who do these things are not acting in a vaccuum, and nor are any trans people who are or were perceived as cis women. Nor are you. These are things that people ultimately do out of shame, trauma, uncertainty, fear of communicating explicitly, and a lack of confidence that is firmly embedded in us by a dominant culture that ultimately hates us. Hates women, employs misogyny, but also hates any kind of gender variance, as well as sex that’s employed for reasons other than cis patriarchal sexual satisfaction and impregnation.

My point being that none of it is your fault. Not being confident with casual sex with men and/or with sex in general even though you’d like to embrace a slut era is not something to be ashamed of, it’s not on you — apart from any dysphoria you might be feeling, even if you haven’t experienced sexual violence or abuse, pretty much everyone has some ingrained traumas and fears given to us by the culture we live in, especially when we’ve been perceived as and treated as women.

So, how do we start with it?

Grindr is the obvious place to start for a lot of MLM — it’s easy, it’s convenient, it’s right there. You might have safety concerns, though, because of the relative anonymity of it, especially if you haven’t had sex or been in community with other MLM and queer men before, and you don’t feel as comfortable navigating and measuring social or suspicious ones, especially over text!

When I went back to using Grindr after like eight years being celibate for Trauma Reasons, I went for fucking dudes who were staying in hotels — they were tourists, a lot of them, so I wasn’t necessarily going to see them a bunch of times afterwards, but also, I preferred the safety of a hotel to seeing people at their homes.

Hotels are staffed, in public places, where you’re easily within reach of other people, and unlike in apartment blocks or houses in neighbourhoods, people aren’t going to ignore any loud noise and go “Oh it’s none of my business” — they’ll probably come out to see what the matter is. They also have private ensuite bathrooms, which is a nice convenience and not always guaranteed at someone’s home.

Honestly, though? That’s very much worse case scenario stuff.

One of the benefits of Grindr for me is that we normally talk in quite explicit terms before meeting up what we like, what we might want from the encounter — and when we meet up, it’s normally pretty easy to communicate what we want out loud, saying, “let’s do this” or “I like this” aloud as we touch and kiss each other.

The thing about MLM cruising culture and casual sex is that like…

For cis men and women, there is a vision of sex that’s going to be upheld — they kiss. They lie in bed together. He puts his penis in her vagina. He thrusts until he comes. Sex is complete, because the man has come.

A lot of people will even refer to penis-in-vagina sex as “real” sex, or have ideas that penetrative sex is the only “real” or “full” sex because of its resemblance to PIV sex. Even when we talk about “foreplay”, foreplay is considered almost a necessary evil to “ready” yourself for the real sex — the penetration.

Within MLM cruising culture, while penetration is absolutely the primary goal for a lot of people as a top or bottom, there are also sides (people who don’t top or bottom), and even within topping and bottoming, there’s plenty of other sex acts. Oral sex, nipple play, jacking each other off, massage, kink acts, etc.

I’ve had guys come over just to suck me off and then be like “thanks, I’m done” and go — and I’ve also BEEN that guy, because I love sucking dick, and sometimes it’s its own reward.

The encounter is not necessarily finished because the top has orgasmed, either — if you are having penetrative sex, a lot of tops will make sure the bottom has come at least once first (just in terms of muscle relaxation, this is actually a good tip for vaginismus and/or tight anal and vaginal muscles), or they’ll come and then start going down on you or fingering you because it’s your turn now.

It’s not all as simple as “taking turns” or anything, but the thing about MLM cruising culture is that like…

The whole basis of men meeting up to have sex with each other is that we love other men and we desire them. We desire to feel good with other men and to make other men feel good. It’s historically been based in anonymity because this desire for each other and the nature of this desire had to be kept clandestine for our safety, but because of its clandestine and simultaneously casual (as in, unattached) nature, it is in many ways extremely sexually liberated.

MLM often explore different kinks and explore different people’s desires and their bodies — it’s curious and explorative, and a lot of it is about exploring different sex acts, positions, and perspectives of sexuality and relationships, because we already exist in counter to the mainstream cultural shames around sex. Just by desiring men and seeing men as desirable (especially as men ourselves), we’re going against the domiannt perspective of the binary as like, women are beautiful, men are ugly.

While there are absolutely people who treat cruising as something transactional just for them to get their rocks off, it’s a fundamentally different culture and philosophy around desire and sexuality compared to what exists with casual sex and dating for heterosexual people.

I’m sorry this is so much based in your potential perspective and the cultural aspects rather than specific explicit tips on how to slut around, so I will give a few specific tips on that now! It’s just hard to know what angle you’re looking for, and I do think a lot of the hardest part is changing our perspectives and exploring what we actually desire and need from our sex life.

So, some practical tips on slutting around:

• testosterone is not a contraceptive! if you can’t use a hormonal contraceptive like the pill or the implant, there are non-hormonal IUDs that you can use at the same time as condoms. if you want to fuck without condoms and can’t use hormonal contraceptives, there’s also the cap or contraceptive diaphragm!
• you can buy condoms in bulk and it’s so much cheaper — even the big brands will have bulk-buy options by the few dozen, and it’s worth doing. always try and carry a few in your bag, have a few in your medicine cabinet. never go to a hook-up assuming they’ll have condoms — always ask in advance and bring a few along!
• regular size condoms will be fine in most scenarios, but your hook-up might need a larger size and/or have a latex allergy, so again, asking in advance is always a good idea
• emergency contraceptives are not contraindicated with your testosterone. emergency contraceptives are also not contraindicated with emergency PEP (post-exposure prophylaxis), which will prevent you from contracting HIV after exposure. it is important after unprotected vaginal sex that you take both of these into account.
• get tested regularly — if you do use Grindr, Grindr can actually regularly remind you to get your STI tests, especially your HIV! otherwise, every 3 to 6 months is a good shout depending on how much sex you’re having — even if you never bareback and are on multiple contraceptives, regular STI tests (and pregnancy tests) are a good idea just in case. in ireland (and in some places in the UK), they will even let you do your STI tests for free by post!
• use toys while you’re having sex if you like them! Use a vibrator, use a vibrating cock ring, play around with it, have some fun! try different condoms — flavoured, ribbed, etc — and try different positions, too. explore, enjoy!
• check out local queer and kink groups — there might be local BDSM meet-ups, kink events, raves etc, and it can be nice to be in touch with the local community, and you can pick up skills too, like by doing bondage workshops etc
• try and hang out with other MLM, especially other trans MLM! even when you know in your own head that you desire men and to be desired by them, just being in community with other men where that desire is normalised and celebrated does so much to fucking kill the cishetero patriarchal brainworms. it takes a lot of time for any of us to unlearn that shit, and it’s a process!